Posted a Flyer = ENORMOUS Migraine

Yesterday I took the leap and posted my Pendy Magic flyer at the organic whole food store in Concord. I was feeling really good about it until this morning.

I woke up quietly crying. Feeling lost, disoriented, confused and alone. A major headache prevented me from wanting to get up and move. When I finally did, I had to perform major major work around me in order to get the headache gone. I was surprised at how much putting myself out there was going to affect me. Actually, I probably knew exactly how it would affect me which explains why I procrastinated so long.

It took a few hours to clear the layers of blocks and discordant energy that blocks the connection with source. Then when I started to replace the cleared space with source energy I had layers of blocks to clear before receiving it. But......that's what I do! That's who I am and what I signed up for, so here we go!! At least I opened the door. Now I get to walk through it. Awe Shit!

Divorce Papers Printed

This is it ~ the ending of an era. I think that's all I have to say about it for now.

That was fast ~ Thanks guys!

After I made the decision outlined here I got a job offer making $10 more an hour at a location 30 minutes closer to home. Gah! Can I just tell you how much I love this work? Oh! and I got this check, for the 25 hours I worked at that job. This is a little more than what I needed to file for divorce.

I got to buy the kids orange lidded Organic milk with the extra $. They were super excited.

Shit Happens and then you die

I just wanted to take a minute to say that I am so freaking grateful for this man. We have both been through the ringer - of our own choosing, of course - but nonetheless it was hell. Alright, I can't speak for him, but it was hell for me without him.

The other night he took me to a premier showing of the Warren Miller film. We had such a great time, as we always do, and I told him how grateful I was for him. The topic came up of how we have 19 years left together (before he or I die) and I lost it. I don't know why or where this emotion comes from but I lose my shit when I think about loosing him, not being around him. That twelve years apart from him was too long. It was too much. My body feels so good around him. His touch comes straight from the gods. Even when he's looking at me through angry eyes, which doesn't happen very often, but still when it does ~ I melt. I am so flipping in love with this guy. When I look at him I swear I'm looking at the masculine side of me. His smile, his body, his laugh, wow.

I posted who he is to me on social media [#First!] after a big fight we had about not having enough sex. Ya, we fought about that. I wanted it, and he's tired. Mind you, I'm coming from a place where I never wanted to have sex. It was painful to me to even think about the idea and I blocked it big time. Going from that to where I am now, it's been interesting. Later I realized that was my ego fighting for his "love" and attention. I felt rejected by him. But he wasn't rejecting me at all! That energy came from long before him and it isn't his problem to fix. It was mine. He fills me up in every department - every aspect of me is complete with him. But this energetic is not his responsibility and I get it now. What a shift in perspective.

Last night he came home from work and was talking about how he is constantly saying 'I'm sorry' and 'How can I make this better for you' to all the customers at his place of business. He's the boss, that's his job, all...day...long. That's when I realized that he spends most of his days pleasing people. It's no surprise that he has nothing left when he comes home to me! I want to please him, take the load off of his back for a minute. Fill him up with all the goodies that he fills his customers up with because you know what?! He fucking deserves it. That's my job and it is honestly my deepest honor to do that for him. I am so in love with him it's not even funny.

What We Resist Persists

What we resist certainly persists. This has never been truer.

Since my unemployment ran out in October Seth has been my rock. He paid for my car payment this month. I have never in my life been in this situation, with no money, having to rely on someone else to support me. Talk about death of the ego. What a painful process.

I know what I'm supposed to be doing, what I incarnated to do. Still too terrified of failing, or being judged, or hanged, I haven't yet offered the services that I am fully capable of providing. As a result I took a part time consulting job that pays $15 an hour (ouch) has a 1 1/2 hour commute round trip and a $5 toll.

Last Thursday, after 4 hours of working on the project I drove home. I stopped at Trader Joe's for some food and realized that I forgot my purse at the office. I only had $5 sitting in the passenger seat which was only there because it was the change from this mornings toll. This five bucks was all I needed to pay for the toll on the way BACK to the office. So, 3 hours of drive time total, 4 hours of work @ $15 an hour, and $10 in toll. I netted $0.

I did get something more valuable than money from this experience however.

Let me regress.

The last couple of weeks I've been calculating how much money I need to make it back to Moab so that Shanon can see Bailey and I can see my little Alex. Trying to figure out where I'm going to stay, when I'm going to leave, how long it's going to take me to drive there, if I'm going to take Ashton with us and everything in between.

During the second trip to the office that day, I realized that I know this frequency well and considered whether or not I was choosing to experience this resonance.

Originally I was considering going to Moab during Christmas break. But after my experience last year at Christmas, I really just want to be here. Plus, I do not want to drive out there when the weather could be bad. That's a long drive in bad weather.

So I was considering going out there for Alex's birthday which happens to fall on Thanksgiving this year. He offered to let me stay at the house while he stayed with his girlfriend, Heather. I'm not interested in doing that. I won't go into all the details because they aren't necessary.

Anyway, the topic came up about finalizing our divorce. I know in my heart that with all his incessant talk about lack of money that I will end up paying for this divorce. I told him that I want my equity out of the house. He continued to make it very clear that I would not get my equity out of the house. As a matter of fact, he told me that I have NO EQUITY in the house.

Remember that this is the house that I worked so hard on for so long, that I spent all my extra money on. The one that had a hole in the roof and leaked when I first moved in. I think he's forgotten that it had mold growing in the bathroom before I tiled it with river rock.

Westwood Avenue - with the roof kicked off by yours truly.

That day driving home from the office I didn't make it home in time to pick up the kids from school. That's when I realized that no matter how much I want a certain end result from the efforts that I put in, sometimes, I make terrible investments and as a result there's a lose lose ending.

I am DONE investing in things that have no return.

I'm not driving to Utah. I'm not spending another dime or another second of my brain space trying to figure out how to make it work for someone or something who does not give a return, Not even an energetic return.

The more I resisted what was being shown to me - what was clearly being exposed as part of an unresolved issue that I hold inside myself, the more it persisted.

The money that I make from this job will pay for my divorce. I am ecstatic for that.

Seeds have already sprouted

Within days of her birthday, the seeds have sprouted and are taking off! This is how I feel about watching her grow. It happens way too freaking fast.