Since my unemployment ran out in October Seth has been my rock. He paid for my car payment this month. I have never in my life been in this situation, with no money, having to rely on someone else to support me. Talk about death of the ego. What a painful process.
I know what I'm supposed to be doing, what I incarnated to do. Still too terrified of failing, or being judged, or hanged, I haven't yet offered the services that I am fully capable of providing. As a result I took a part time consulting job that pays $15 an hour (ouch) has a 1 1/2 hour commute round trip and a $5 toll.
Last Thursday, after 4 hours of working on the project I drove home. I stopped at Trader Joe's for some food and realized that I forgot my purse at the office. I only had $5 sitting in the passenger seat which was only there because it was the change from this mornings toll. This five bucks was all I needed to pay for the toll on the way BACK to the office. So, 3 hours of drive time total, 4 hours of work @ $15 an hour, and $10 in toll. I netted $0.
I did get something more valuable than money from this experience however.
Let me regress.
The last couple of weeks I've been calculating how much money I need to make it back to Moab so that Shanon can see Bailey and I can see my little Alex. Trying to figure out where I'm going to stay, when I'm going to leave, how long it's going to take me to drive there, if I'm going to take Ashton with us and everything in between.
During the second trip to the office that day, I realized that I know this frequency well and considered whether or not I was choosing to experience this resonance.
Originally I was considering going to Moab during Christmas break. But after my experience last year at Christmas, I really just want to be here. Plus, I do not want to drive out there when the weather could be bad. That's a long drive in bad weather.
So I was considering going out there for Alex's birthday which happens to fall on Thanksgiving this year. He offered to let me stay at the house while he stayed with his girlfriend, Heather. I'm not interested in doing that. I won't go into all the details because they aren't necessary.
Anyway, the topic came up about finalizing our divorce. I know in my heart that with all his incessant talk about lack of money that I will end up paying for this divorce. I told him that I want my equity out of the house. He continued to make it very clear that I would not get my equity out of the house. As a matter of fact, he told me that I have NO EQUITY in the house.
Remember that this is the house that I worked so hard on for so long, that I spent all my extra money on. The one that had a hole in the roof and leaked when I first moved in. I think he's forgotten that it had mold growing in the bathroom before I tiled it with river rock.
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| Westwood Avenue - with the roof kicked off by yours truly. |
That day driving home from the office I didn't make it home in time to pick up the kids from school. That's when I realized that no matter how much I want a certain end result from the efforts that I put in, sometimes, I make terrible investments and as a result there's a lose lose ending.
I am DONE investing in things that have no return.
I'm not driving to Utah. I'm not spending another dime or another second of my brain space trying to figure out how to make it work for someone or something who does not give a return, Not even an energetic return.
The more I resisted what was being shown to me - what was clearly being exposed as part of an unresolved issue that I hold inside myself, the more it persisted.
The money that I make from this job will pay for my divorce. I am ecstatic for that.
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