Hi, it's me again.
I quickly want to express how grateful I am for my man. He came home from work last night, looked me in the eyes, and told me how he felt like he doesn't express how much he loves me. The thing is, he does. So this comment baffled me. He wanted me to know that everything I am doing is enough, and not only that, but it's important. What I do with the kids, he appreciates beyond anything he could ever state in words or actions. With all this crazy devaluation that I've been doing to myself ~ he comes in and erases all of it just by the look in his eyes. I'm pretty much in love.
Monday, December 5, 2016
Talk about an Ego death - and then Rising from the Ashes
Last week I applied for a part time Executive Assistant position with a pair of twin flames aka Big Impact Live ~ Shannon and Mark. I thought I was prepared, I knew my shit, I resonated with them....
It was a group interview on Thursday night. Two other people would be interviewing along side me on a video call. I had this! Then, the first question was posed to one of the other applicants. After her response, I froze. It was only supposed to take 30 seconds for her to finish, but she went on - excelling at every word that came out of her mouth. I was next and I choked. The next 55 minutes I was a wreck, wanting to disconnect immediately if not sooner but didn't. Towards the end the couple started cutting me off and moving on to the next candidate. I was mortified.
I've interviewed poorly before, but I have never in my life had an experience like that. EVER.
That night I cried, but not out loud. I do what I do when I'm really super upset - trying not to let anybody hear. I remember this from early childhood when I would cry in my bed - scared shitless - but not wanting to get in trouble or yelled at for it. I tend to hold my breath, choking on my sobs until the space directly under my eyeballs bulge out into an inhuman form. This kept going through Friday afternoon. I stressed myself out so bad - with all this negative talk to my inner child - that I ended up starting my period 10 days early.
I know ~ when will I ever learn, right? I have a great job, it's slow - there aren't near enough hours (like 5 per week) but that's okay! It's the holidays!
Then, Seth called. He must have known I was upset because he said we could go ice skating with the kids that night. It was so fun. Even though she was slipping all over the place and could barely stand, Bailey kept laughing her head off and saying how much fun she was having. Ashton even landed on his face which quickly resulted in a bloody nose but that didn't stop him from getting back on the ice.
Saturday, even though I was still pretty humiliated from two nights before, I took the kids to a new place, Albany Bulb. There are so many sculptures right on the water made out of nothing but trash. There are even a couple of Labyrinths that we walked in silence then left a token at the alter in the middle.
Next stop, Adventure Playground in Berkeley. I took Colton here when he was Bailey's age. It's a playground where the kids build the forts using nails, random wood, and they can paint too. It's all free, unless you want them to watch your kids, in which case it would be $10. There is a zipline too which Bai took full advantage of.
I love this about myself. When I'm at a complete loss and have no direction whatsoever - I bounce and go find something new to explore (my sister Stephanie encouraged me to look for things in me that I love after calling her and screaming what an idiot I was, wishing I would be 'Normal').
Bailey continued all day expressing how grateful she was that I was her mom, because if I wasn't, we wouldn't be here right now and this was awesome. She kept telling Ashton the same thing. I'm so grateful for her.
Sunday, Bailey and I went to the Nutcracker. It's the first time I've been. We got to go backstage and see all the props which was cool. Especially once we got to see the performance. What an incredible weekend.
In the midst of all this - my friends, George and Deanna went to Standing Rock to stand with the group of people who are protesting the oil pipeline that, if put in place, would result in a contamination of the drinking water that the Sioux Indians rely on. It's covered in snow and looks freezing! I am sooo glad they are there to support the cause and just wish I could be there with them.
It was a group interview on Thursday night. Two other people would be interviewing along side me on a video call. I had this! Then, the first question was posed to one of the other applicants. After her response, I froze. It was only supposed to take 30 seconds for her to finish, but she went on - excelling at every word that came out of her mouth. I was next and I choked. The next 55 minutes I was a wreck, wanting to disconnect immediately if not sooner but didn't. Towards the end the couple started cutting me off and moving on to the next candidate. I was mortified.
I've interviewed poorly before, but I have never in my life had an experience like that. EVER.
That night I cried, but not out loud. I do what I do when I'm really super upset - trying not to let anybody hear. I remember this from early childhood when I would cry in my bed - scared shitless - but not wanting to get in trouble or yelled at for it. I tend to hold my breath, choking on my sobs until the space directly under my eyeballs bulge out into an inhuman form. This kept going through Friday afternoon. I stressed myself out so bad - with all this negative talk to my inner child - that I ended up starting my period 10 days early.
I know ~ when will I ever learn, right? I have a great job, it's slow - there aren't near enough hours (like 5 per week) but that's okay! It's the holidays!
Then, Seth called. He must have known I was upset because he said we could go ice skating with the kids that night. It was so fun. Even though she was slipping all over the place and could barely stand, Bailey kept laughing her head off and saying how much fun she was having. Ashton even landed on his face which quickly resulted in a bloody nose but that didn't stop him from getting back on the ice.
Saturday, even though I was still pretty humiliated from two nights before, I took the kids to a new place, Albany Bulb. There are so many sculptures right on the water made out of nothing but trash. There are even a couple of Labyrinths that we walked in silence then left a token at the alter in the middle.
Next stop, Adventure Playground in Berkeley. I took Colton here when he was Bailey's age. It's a playground where the kids build the forts using nails, random wood, and they can paint too. It's all free, unless you want them to watch your kids, in which case it would be $10. There is a zipline too which Bai took full advantage of.
I love this about myself. When I'm at a complete loss and have no direction whatsoever - I bounce and go find something new to explore (my sister Stephanie encouraged me to look for things in me that I love after calling her and screaming what an idiot I was, wishing I would be 'Normal').
Bailey continued all day expressing how grateful she was that I was her mom, because if I wasn't, we wouldn't be here right now and this was awesome. She kept telling Ashton the same thing. I'm so grateful for her.
Sunday, Bailey and I went to the Nutcracker. It's the first time I've been. We got to go backstage and see all the props which was cool. Especially once we got to see the performance. What an incredible weekend.
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