Cross Roads

I'm at a cross roads. Do we move in with the twin or do we go to Spain and deal with the possibility of a blow out drag out fight with him.. Maybe this wouldnt happen, but with the way he's been acting recently, I would not in any way be surprised if this happened. LOL..Is it possible that I could have both? Do I want to take this leap forward?

I know for a fact that I want what I want. I'm not being stubborn, I'm being decisive.

Not only that - I deserve the things that I want.

I am worthy of the things that I desire.

What is it that I want, you ask?

I want love, I want to feeeeel love, be love, emanate love (I have recently adopted the practice of looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself how in love I am with me - just so that when it does come back to me, I'll know how it feels to love me).

I want great fantastic sex - and great big orgasms in the wake of the aforementioned love (again, practicing this lately, with myself. My twin is often too tired after working all day).

I want to look out of my kitchen, living room, and bedroom windows and see my mother earth in all her glory (kind of like how I look at myself in all my glory and beauty).

I want access to her abundant land so that I can walk, bike, hike, and in-joy her (similar to how I want to be in-joyed).

I want abundance to flow through me naturally and with ease (similar to how I flow through life's changes).

Bailey envisions a house like ours in Moab by a creek, on a hill, with views out the windows. I can't imagine her not lining up with this. She is such a mother earth lover that I know beyond all doubt that the universe and our planet will give her everything that she desires.

Is it here?

Mourning Something and Going Deep

Starting the night before last, I've been really emotional. No it's not my 'time of month' that's still a week and a half out. I can't pin point what the matter is, exactly. Maybe I don't want to dive fully into it. Maybe I'm lonely ~ which is what I told Seth this morning. Maybe I'm giving up. Maybe I'm frustrated that I'm in the same kind of situation I was in before I stepped into my power and moved out of my marriage and home with Shanon. Except now I live with a roommate who is also a heavy drinker. This is not what I envisioned for my future, with my daughter. I see us having more.

Another part of me also hurts for Ashton, if I were to choose a different path for Bailey and I, and I'm bitter about it. I left Alex - that was very very hard ~ it makes me cry thinking about it and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't like that I feel helpless about it. I don't like that I left Alex in an environment that I feel he shouldn't be in. I also know that this is his path, and the creator decides what's the way to go.

Why am I struggling so hard?!

Bailey is beautiful and strong and loving and does everything good and right. Ashton frustrates her and stops her from singing and gets mad when she wants to draw and gets mad when she wants to be herself. I constantly encourage her to be herself anyway. It reminds me of my relationship with Seth. He gets angry when I talk about the things that I love, or he shuts down and "uh-huh's" me.

Now to re-route the energy since it's out.

I see us happy and laughing grateful for all the hard work we put in to get there. Oh SHIT!! I can't even visualize that or type anything right now.

Venus and Jupiter in Retrograde + More to Come

I just realized that Venus has been in retrograde (in Aries by the way - Seth is an Aries) since March 4th. Ending on April 15th. This affects relationships and can sometimes make you want to bounce, kind of like me this last week while Seth was throwing his fits. This retrograde happens once every 19 months and lasts for 6 weeks.

Jupiter has been in retrograde since Feb 6th ending on June 9th! Did you know it takes 12 years for this giant beast to orbit the sun?! This retrograde occurs once every 13 months and lasts 4 months. It relates to dealing with particular issues involving growth and development, happiness and success. Make sure that the things you are working on really are in line with the highest good. Otherwise when it goes direct in June, you may be disappointed with the results.

Mercury goes retro on April 9th - May 3rd. It takes 88 days for Mercury to orbit the sun. Retros with this planet happen 3 - 4 times a year.  No new contracts during this period - which unfortunately means no new house for me during this time.

Saturn goes retro on April 6th - August 25th.  (Which by August there will be ANOTHER Mercury Retrograde going on too). When this planet goes retrograde it relates to Karma coming up. If you've been good - that's a gooooood thing. This planet goes into retro every 12 months and lasts 4 1/2 months.

Four planets retrograding. That should be exciting.

Last year there were 5, right at the time that I was being laid off from the Moab Umtra Project and deciding whether or not I should move to California.

Being a frequency holder and a magic weaver

It is imperative that I keep my frequency stable during these times of great change. I am a frequency keeper and a magic weaver. Weaving magic into every day life while also holding the frequency of unconditional love.

I have terminated all things that lower my frequency including drinking, smoking, being around people who lower my energy field.

I have also introduced Yoga into my life and am outside much more than I have been in the winter months. I have integrated the power of calling myself back, and wrapping a golden string of light around my energy field during my meditations so that it forms a crust of protection around me when I am around fluctuating energies.

Why? Because it was getting worse. Every time I lowered my frequency, it wasn't fun any more. It got to the point where I didn't want to anymore.  How did I quit these things you ask? I asked for my twelve strands of dna to be reconnected - and then I watched as the change took place within my cells.

Seth can't stand it when I talk about this stuff. It's interesting because Seth feels this and takes it as me attacking him. He mantras 'you don't change me, I don't change you' over and over again its this phrase that has become so thick in his vocabulary that it means nothing any more and has lost all context. What I don't think he understands is that I have changed and because we are twin flames, he feels this as himself changing and feels completely threatened.  I have not done any work with him at the physical level. I ask if I can practice and he is so far against it and says no.

He told me that he is feeling like nothing about him matters and that it's all about me, I don't understand where this is coming from at all. I don't understand how what I do, who I am, eliminates who he is in any way. This is ME ~ and I like me, so I'm going to talk the way I want to talk and do the things I do. I am not in hiding anymore for fear of what people think about me. What other people think about me has nothing to do with who I am. 

If ultimately this furious energetic coming from him leads to a separation because he can't stand it, well then our mission will have failed and our incarnation pointless. Separation is not an option here.

I play with fun and laughter. Well, I feel like I do this, but I could certainly do better as this is not reflected in the space around me when Seth is home lately.

As Below, So Above

It's come to my awareness that although he loves me and mostly in the way I need to be loved, he doesn't really like me. Like the core of who I am. At least not publicly - maybe in private. It feels like he's embarrassed or ashamed or I don't know what. When I talk about my real work - his eyes get droopy or he gets mad. He doesn't like talking about the possibilities of 5th dimensional reality. He knows I have my blogs, but never asks me about it.

I know it seems silly to some people that I would be upset about something so 'stupid' as liking a post on Facebook. But the fact is, I moved out here and let go of everything and everyone I knew and loved to be here, and do this with him. Because I believed in me and I believed in him. Those people who I left - those beings I LOVE and who love me too, are watching his reactions to my posts and they are falling off one by one. It hurts my heart to know that he does not support my visions. He thinks I'm delusional.

Here's the truth. I am going through a transformation - it's taking much longer than I had hoped - these changes that I seek outside of myself have to come from within me. They are not going to happen "out there" until they happen "in here". As I write this, my heart is in pain. Not my physical heart - but the energy center right in the middle of my chest.


Yesterday morning, the morning after I allowed my vibration to lower to depths that I am no longer comfortable with exploring because they bore me, I placed my beautiful huge healing crystal on my chest because it hurt. I was bringing in the light from source. All the way up past our Earth sun into the center of creation - right from the center - when I realized that I had another source of unconditional love that I haven't fully tapped into yet. Our Earth.

It was such a humbling experience to realize that I had missed this along the way. I mean, yes - I do send my grounding chord down daily, and yes I do bring her sweet energy in and integrate her with the cosmic energy from above - but not in the way that I accepted it yesterday morning. She came in so strong and the channels opened wide and I allowed it to flow into my heart center and stay in me - not going anywhere else until I fully allowed me to integrate it in every cell of my being. I get to keep it here if I want to. I've done the work, me. I don't think that's selfish. I keep channeling it through my body inside, then out. But the fact of the matter is, I can't do that until it's fully integrated in me. I just got a woosh of information. Writing rocks the house.

This integration felt so wonderfully smooth and sweet and I wanted to cry with how kind and lovery I felt in that moment. I could have stayed there the rest of the day and made sweet love to myself over and over again. I am so glad I sat here and got this out because I feel sooo much better than I did thirty minutes ago. #Win

Manifesting Home

With all my excitement, I found a place, by a creek, direct access to a walking trail, that does not look into the neighbors houses, and in fact has a view, AND that was WITHIN our price range! What?!  The kids and Seth and I all went to check it out on Saturday. The layout, size, location, quality was perfect - beyond perfect. We all fell in love. The problem, we didn't have the down payment or first month rent, yet. We were just 'looking'. It actually had more than I thought was possible, and more than we were asking for (with the exception that it was not on a hill per Bai).

We are about 2 months out from having enough to move into our own place and I'm telling you, I personally could not be more excited to get out of the roommate situation. As much as I love Mike, I want to raise my kids (and to be perfectly honest, myself) in an environment of MY making, nobody elses. I think that's a fair request.

Working on the 'worth' and 'deserving' aspects for Seth and I and making sure they are up to par with what we have done for the planet, for ourselves. We have really kicked this dimensions ass in my opinion with being on service for the highest good of all involved. Except for maybe our own selves at times. It's okay, we are a work in progress and I am soooo excited for the end result. The fruits of our labor. There is no possible way that with all the work that I do filling up our bodies with unconditional love that we won't get into a place that is fully 100% comfortable for all of us to reside. I have absolute confidence that the home is out there - and we will find it. It's all frequency after all. That's all it is. Simple Simon.