The Gratitude Attitude

Hi, it's me again.

I quickly want to express how grateful I am for my man. He came home from work last night, looked me in the eyes, and told me how he felt like he doesn't express how much he loves me. The thing is, he does. So this comment baffled me. He wanted me to know that everything I am doing is enough, and not only that, but it's important. What I do with the kids, he appreciates beyond anything he could ever state in words or actions. With all this crazy devaluation that I've been doing to myself  ~ he comes in and erases all of it just by the look in his eyes. I'm pretty much in love.

Talk about an Ego death - and then Rising from the Ashes

Last week I applied for a part time Executive Assistant position with a pair of twin flames aka Big Impact Live ~ Shannon and Mark.  I thought I was prepared, I knew my shit, I resonated with them....

It was a group interview on Thursday night. Two other people would be interviewing along side me on a video call. I had this! Then, the first question was posed to one of the other applicants. After her response, I froze. It was only supposed to take 30 seconds for her to finish, but she went on - excelling at every word that came out of her mouth. I was next and I choked. The next 55 minutes I was a wreck, wanting to disconnect immediately if not sooner but didn't. Towards the end the couple started cutting me off and moving on to the next candidate. I was mortified.

I've interviewed poorly before, but I have never in my life had an experience like that. EVER.

That night I cried, but not out loud. I do what I do when I'm really super upset - trying not to let anybody hear. I remember this from early childhood when I would cry in my bed - scared shitless - but not wanting to get in trouble or yelled at for it. I tend to hold my breath, choking on my sobs until the space directly under  my eyeballs bulge out into an inhuman form. This kept going through Friday afternoon. I stressed myself out so bad - with all this negative talk to my inner child - that I ended up starting my period 10 days early.

I know ~ when will I ever learn, right? I have a great job, it's slow - there aren't near enough hours (like 5 per week) but that's okay! It's the holidays!

Then, Seth called.  He must have known I was upset because he said we could go ice skating with the kids that night. It was so fun. Even though she was slipping all over the place and could barely stand, Bailey kept laughing her head off and saying how much fun she was having. Ashton even landed on his face which quickly resulted in a bloody nose but that didn't stop him from getting back on the ice.

Saturday, even though I was still pretty humiliated from two nights before, I took the kids to a new place, Albany Bulb.  There are so many sculptures right on the water made out of nothing but trash. There are even a couple of Labyrinths that we walked in silence then left a token at the alter in the middle.

Next stop, Adventure Playground in Berkeley. I took Colton here when he was Bailey's age. It's a playground where the kids build the forts using nails, random wood, and they can paint too. It's all free, unless you want them to watch your kids, in which case it would be $10. There is a zipline too which Bai took full advantage of.

 I love this about myself. When I'm at a complete loss and have no direction whatsoever - I bounce and go find something new to explore (my sister Stephanie encouraged me to look for things in me that I love after calling her and screaming what an idiot I was, wishing I would be 'Normal').

Bailey continued all day expressing how grateful she was that I was her mom, because if I wasn't, we wouldn't be here right now and this was awesome. She kept telling Ashton the same thing. I'm so grateful for her.

Sunday, Bailey and I went to the Nutcracker. It's the first time I've been. We got to go backstage and see all the props which was cool. Especially once we got to see the performance. What an incredible weekend.

In the midst of all this - my friends, George and Deanna went to Standing Rock to stand with the group of people who are protesting the oil pipeline that, if put in place, would result in a contamination of the drinking water that the Sioux Indians rely on. It's covered in snow and looks freezing! I am sooo glad they are there to support the cause and just wish I could be there with them.

Posted a Flyer = ENORMOUS Migraine

Yesterday I took the leap and posted my Pendy Magic flyer at the organic whole food store in Concord. I was feeling really good about it until this morning.

I woke up quietly crying. Feeling lost, disoriented, confused and alone. A major headache prevented me from wanting to get up and move. When I finally did, I had to perform major major work around me in order to get the headache gone. I was surprised at how much putting myself out there was going to affect me. Actually, I probably knew exactly how it would affect me which explains why I procrastinated so long.

It took a few hours to clear the layers of blocks and discordant energy that blocks the connection with source. Then when I started to replace the cleared space with source energy I had layers of blocks to clear before receiving it. But......that's what I do! That's who I am and what I signed up for, so here we go!! At least I opened the door. Now I get to walk through it. Awe Shit!

Divorce Papers Printed

This is it ~ the ending of an era. I think that's all I have to say about it for now.

That was fast ~ Thanks guys!

After I made the decision outlined here I got a job offer making $10 more an hour at a location 30 minutes closer to home. Gah! Can I just tell you how much I love this work? Oh! and I got this check, for the 25 hours I worked at that job. This is a little more than what I needed to file for divorce.

I got to buy the kids orange lidded Organic milk with the extra $. They were super excited.

Shit Happens and then you die

I just wanted to take a minute to say that I am so freaking grateful for this man. We have both been through the ringer - of our own choosing, of course - but nonetheless it was hell. Alright, I can't speak for him, but it was hell for me without him.

The other night he took me to a premier showing of the Warren Miller film. We had such a great time, as we always do, and I told him how grateful I was for him. The topic came up of how we have 19 years left together (before he or I die) and I lost it. I don't know why or where this emotion comes from but I lose my shit when I think about loosing him, not being around him. That twelve years apart from him was too long. It was too much. My body feels so good around him. His touch comes straight from the gods. Even when he's looking at me through angry eyes, which doesn't happen very often, but still when it does ~ I melt. I am so flipping in love with this guy. When I look at him I swear I'm looking at the masculine side of me. His smile, his body, his laugh, wow.

I posted who he is to me on social media [#First!] after a big fight we had about not having enough sex. Ya, we fought about that. I wanted it, and he's tired. Mind you, I'm coming from a place where I never wanted to have sex. It was painful to me to even think about the idea and I blocked it big time. Going from that to where I am now, it's been interesting. Later I realized that was my ego fighting for his "love" and attention. I felt rejected by him. But he wasn't rejecting me at all! That energy came from long before him and it isn't his problem to fix. It was mine. He fills me up in every department - every aspect of me is complete with him. But this energetic is not his responsibility and I get it now. What a shift in perspective.

Last night he came home from work and was talking about how he is constantly saying 'I'm sorry' and 'How can I make this better for you' to all the customers at his place of business. He's the boss, that's his job, all...day...long. That's when I realized that he spends most of his days pleasing people. It's no surprise that he has nothing left when he comes home to me! I want to please him, take the load off of his back for a minute. Fill him up with all the goodies that he fills his customers up with because you know what?! He fucking deserves it. That's my job and it is honestly my deepest honor to do that for him. I am so in love with him it's not even funny.

What We Resist Persists

What we resist certainly persists. This has never been truer.

Since my unemployment ran out in October Seth has been my rock. He paid for my car payment this month. I have never in my life been in this situation, with no money, having to rely on someone else to support me. Talk about death of the ego. What a painful process.

I know what I'm supposed to be doing, what I incarnated to do. Still too terrified of failing, or being judged, or hanged, I haven't yet offered the services that I am fully capable of providing. As a result I took a part time consulting job that pays $15 an hour (ouch) has a 1 1/2 hour commute round trip and a $5 toll.

Last Thursday, after 4 hours of working on the project I drove home. I stopped at Trader Joe's for some food and realized that I forgot my purse at the office. I only had $5 sitting in the passenger seat which was only there because it was the change from this mornings toll. This five bucks was all I needed to pay for the toll on the way BACK to the office. So, 3 hours of drive time total, 4 hours of work @ $15 an hour, and $10 in toll. I netted $0.

I did get something more valuable than money from this experience however.

Let me regress.

The last couple of weeks I've been calculating how much money I need to make it back to Moab so that Shanon can see Bailey and I can see my little Alex. Trying to figure out where I'm going to stay, when I'm going to leave, how long it's going to take me to drive there, if I'm going to take Ashton with us and everything in between.

During the second trip to the office that day, I realized that I know this frequency well and considered whether or not I was choosing to experience this resonance.

Originally I was considering going to Moab during Christmas break. But after my experience last year at Christmas, I really just want to be here. Plus, I do not want to drive out there when the weather could be bad. That's a long drive in bad weather.

So I was considering going out there for Alex's birthday which happens to fall on Thanksgiving this year. He offered to let me stay at the house while he stayed with his girlfriend, Heather. I'm not interested in doing that. I won't go into all the details because they aren't necessary.

Anyway, the topic came up about finalizing our divorce. I know in my heart that with all his incessant talk about lack of money that I will end up paying for this divorce. I told him that I want my equity out of the house. He continued to make it very clear that I would not get my equity out of the house. As a matter of fact, he told me that I have NO EQUITY in the house.

Remember that this is the house that I worked so hard on for so long, that I spent all my extra money on. The one that had a hole in the roof and leaked when I first moved in. I think he's forgotten that it had mold growing in the bathroom before I tiled it with river rock.

Westwood Avenue - with the roof kicked off by yours truly.

That day driving home from the office I didn't make it home in time to pick up the kids from school. That's when I realized that no matter how much I want a certain end result from the efforts that I put in, sometimes, I make terrible investments and as a result there's a lose lose ending.

I am DONE investing in things that have no return.

I'm not driving to Utah. I'm not spending another dime or another second of my brain space trying to figure out how to make it work for someone or something who does not give a return, Not even an energetic return.

The more I resisted what was being shown to me - what was clearly being exposed as part of an unresolved issue that I hold inside myself, the more it persisted.

The money that I make from this job will pay for my divorce. I am ecstatic for that.

Seeds have already sprouted

Within days of her birthday, the seeds have sprouted and are taking off! This is how I feel about watching her grow. It happens way too freaking fast.

She's SEVEN

And just like that, the clock turns and my angel is 2,555 days old. Unbelievable.

It's been a challenging transition. Going from a place that we both loved dearly and coming to a place that we are learning and growing to love. We have a new environment, new friends, new family. I'm ever so grateful to have Bailey next to me through this life. So grateful that my attempts to tell her that there was no way in hell that I would bring her into this world because it was too dense, too heavy, too hard, all fell to the wayside. I failed at telling her no, she would not be joining me here on Earth. I thank god and all of creation that she is here. She stands by me and we are stronger together than I could ever be without her. We are warrior princesses.

Her birth story is one not to be forgotten and as she grows into herself, I see it was more pertinent than I realized at the time. We have come to know that she took her first breath as she kissed the earth. She loves nature. In fact, that is what we will be doing to celebrate her birthday. A nature party it is, my love.

Free falling - or is it Free Flying?

With the invaluable help of my eldest son, I moved out of my beautiful home on top of the hill last Thursday after a year of healing and re-discovery of my true self.

I jumped off the cliff and am now free falling (a.k.a. flying) into the unknown on a journey to chase the lightest and brightest.

I was not able to leave the house in perfect order, sparkly and clean or have a closing ceremony before I had to leave - but I did call in high beings to assist in this portion. I honestly was super proud of myself for everything we were able to complete as it was very much different than the last big move that I did. I was high-fiving myself and Colton for the kick ass job we did, because we had been running for weeks to get it done while integrating the very important fun, love and light aspect.  

Once I left the house at 9am, the first leg of the journey entailed going to Vegas with Bobbi, which was so much fun. I learned a lot about her and her crew which are all pretty bad ass if you ask me. She sold her whips like they were going out of style from the very second she set up the booth. I'm proud of her and excited that she met and exceeded her selling goals.

The last night we were there, Jhoanna took us to club that normally costs patrons $50 for the cover. Tables run $1,500 a night, and the rooms upstairs overlooking the crows of people run $7,000 a night. Jhoanna is a party planner and got us in the front of the line for free. The men who check you in at the front had a challenging time clearing me for entrance because my corset had 24 steel bones.

The skirt was one of my "fun" integrations and is now titled my "transitions" skirt because it was created during a very difficult transition in my life. I don't know what is on the other side of this jump - but it better be good because I loved and honored where I was and jumping is quite frankly scary! My twin is right around the corner and my public introduction to him is approaching fast.

I'm still enjoying me - single - for now.