Starting the night before last, I've been really emotional. No it's not my 'time of month' that's still a week and a half out. I can't pin point what the matter is, exactly. Maybe I don't want to dive fully into it. Maybe I'm lonely ~ which is what I told Seth this morning. Maybe I'm giving up. Maybe I'm frustrated that I'm in the same kind of situation I was in before I stepped into my power and moved out of my marriage and home with Shanon. Except now I live with a roommate who is also a heavy drinker. This is not what I envisioned for my future, with my daughter. I see us having more.
Another part of me also hurts for Ashton, if I were to choose a different path for Bailey and I, and I'm bitter about it. I left Alex - that was very very hard ~ it makes me cry thinking about it and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't like that I feel helpless about it. I don't like that I left Alex in an environment that I feel he shouldn't be in. I also know that this is his path, and the creator decides what's the way to go.
Why am I struggling so hard?!
Bailey is beautiful and strong and loving and does everything good and right. Ashton frustrates her and stops her from singing and gets mad when she wants to draw and gets mad when she wants to be herself. I constantly encourage her to be herself anyway. It reminds me of my relationship with Seth. He gets angry when I talk about the things that I love, or he shuts down and "uh-huh's" me.
Now to re-route the energy since it's out.
I see us happy and laughing grateful for all the hard work we put in to get there. Oh SHIT!! I can't even visualize that or type anything right now.
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